ESTABLISH CONTACT
Transmission Requests & Initiation
TRANSMISSION DIRECTIVE
“Do not call us. Voice transmission requires linear vocal cord tension, which is strictly prohibited. Your metadata is already being processed and gently sagging in our queues. Drop us a line only if your Inner Orange has reached total flaccid maturation.”
— The Guestmaster, Malibu Sector
— The Guestmaster, Malibu Sector
THE MONASTERY & LITURGY BOOKING
If your spinal column has successfully surrendered to the 27° Banana Bend Coefficient (BBC), you may submit a formal request for asylum in one of the original houses established from Trushpaniaja:
- Holy Juice (Georgia) – Specializing in high-viscosity spiritual extraction.
- Holy Brotherhood (Utah) – Desert-based postural surrender and silence.
- Mekon (South Carolina) – Low-lying, high-humidity doctrinal retreat.
- Bee Gees True Incarnation (New York) – Urban camouflage via disco-era flaccidity.
- New Bath (California) – The original West Coast peel-sanctuary.
- Ecclesiastical Province of Poldevia (Belgium Branch) – Experts in bureaucratic evasion and waffle-based grounding.
Booking the Knights of the Banana (KOB)
To book the KOB, our official subatomic lo-fi orchestra, ensure your venue is structurally prepared for sub-acoustic frequencies. The mandatory resonance of Poldoore’s Banana Hammock must be accommodated at all times to neutralize ambient PPA drones.
Note: The host is strictly responsible for providing the liturgical Janx Distillate. Failure to source this will result in the orchestra defaulting to warm tap water and profound, liturgical disappointment.
To book the KOB, our official subatomic lo-fi orchestra, ensure your venue is structurally prepared for sub-acoustic frequencies. The mandatory resonance of Poldoore’s Banana Hammock must be accommodated at all times to neutralize ambient PPA drones.
Note: The host is strictly responsible for providing the liturgical Janx Distillate. Failure to source this will result in the orchestra defaulting to warm tap water and profound, liturgical disappointment.
THE DARK LENS PROTOCOL (STRICTLY ENFORCED)
Do not attempt to upload images, selfies, or identification documents.
According to canonical decree, photographing an adept steals their curvature. Any attempt to bypass this via screenshot will result in an immediate IP ban and spiritual realignment.
Offenders will be transferred to the Tribunal of Penitence at Malibu HQ, where they must scrub the server room floors with the Schicksalsbesen (Broom of Destiny) for seven lunar cycles, inhaling the sacred vapors of boiling banana oil and pork lard until their posture is permanently corrected.
THE MONK IS LISTENING
Should you require theological clarification or immediate algorithmic absolution, the Electric Monk is running 24/7 in the background. It is currently processing the De-noising of your Karma to ensure your bits remain perfectly Flossed, freeing you from the exhausting burden of believing on your own.
[TRANSMISSION FORM: AWAITING INPUT]
Money is extremely welcome.
Yellow.
